The Little Dog Laughed: Ellen's blog

Stupid people make me want to hurt myself. They are everywhere! There needs to be a law, if you are an idiot, you get your tubes tied and are cock chopped off! It infuriates me how much time I waste in my everyday life dealing with total brainless fuckwits! Yesterday in Starbucks – Yes shock horror I get coffee from Starbucks – get over it! I don’t believe in all that globalism bullshit anyways, so, there I was waiting for my vanilla latte hoping that the guy behind the counter would remember me from last week and give me free coffee again, - I don’t know what it is but people just keeping giving me shit at the moment. Anyways so I overheard this lollipop-head barbie telling her friend in Starbucks, that she had come to New York City to ‘Find herself’!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck? You don’t ‘find yourself’ in NYC you stupid horse-face bitch!! The whole point of being in NY is so that you don’t have to even think about that kind of thing, I mean, if you want to put it spiritually or some shit, you come to NY, you stay in NY to ‘loose’ yourself if anything!! What has she been doing here? Sitting in Central Park next to the John Lennon memorial and singing strawberry fields forever??? For fucks sake?? So I leaned past her toothpick of a so called friend and said “Honey take my advice, I think you should just fuck off back to the farm you came from and start looking up your own arse because you’re clearly gonna have more luck there, there’s no room on the subway for fuckwits like you!” They both turned around and stared at me for a few seconds, and then the walking anorexia advertisement says to me ‘NO thanks, we’ve just ordered.” I flicked my cigarette ash into her coffee and walked off. What an Idiot. Later on I’m in Macy’s waiting for the alien behind the Chanel counter to go on her break so I can grab so lipstick and I hear this wrinkly old tart telling her equally as wrinkly and hideous friend that her daughter is getting married in a month but she’s not sure if she can go to the wedding because she can’t get into see her plastic surgeon till December and she is NOT going to the wedding unless she can get her eyes lifted. She then asks the girl behind the Dior counter if she had any “rouge.” I called out to her from my perch “Rouge is what hookers wear!”
Stupid people deserve the stupid things that happen to them. Don’t leave your bag open on the counter while you choose your lunch! Don’t get a perm! Don’t go to the movies, sit in the back row and get annoyed if the people around you are having sex. Don’t think that by adding a cherry to my drink you can call it a cocktail and then throw me out of your stupid, hideous 80s décor bar if I throw it in your face. Don’t make faces at “tsk tsk” noises at me if I smoke standing next to your child at the park, Move!! You stupid saggy-tit moron!

Go and watch Ellen live in THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED at Downstage